Everyday, elevens of thousands of otherwise intelligent people pay psychics, fortune tellers, astrologers, and meteorologists to foresee what is to come in their lives. These gullible muffin heads are wasting their money, since the answers they get are invariably lies, misdirection, and inspatulations-of-the-not. I do not know your future either and do not claim to, but I have discovered a highly scientific formula to help you find it yourself. You must simply answer these multiple-choice questions and then find your prediction in the answer key that follows.
1. You find yourself in a small room with a large flower in a large pot. The flower sings the happy birthday song in the voice of Donald Duck continuously. If you remove the flower from the pot, you can leave the room, but you will be followed by sadness and indigestion wherever you go. If you leave the flower to grow in peace, you will remain in the small room forever. You will not die of hunger or thirst, but you may get very bored.
What kind of flower is it?
It’s a _____.
c. ghost orchid
2. It is the last day of September and you remember that you left the oven on.
What’s wrong with you?
I am ____.
b. an arsonist
d. a squirrel
What did you pack for lunch?
It is a(n) ______.
a. avocado sandwich on marble rye with worcestershire flakes and lemon juice.
b. edible pillow case full of blowfish sashimi
c. gallon jug of egg nog flavored espresso
d. fried squirrel taco
4. You have not yet reblogged this quiz or forwarded it to everyone in your address book.
What will you do?
I will ____.
a. do both of those things
b. do one of those things
c. feign amnesia
d. ask a squirrel what I should do
aaaa = You will drown, but have an otherwise pleasant day.
bbbb = You will grow more teeth and then use them for chewing.
cccc = You will be punished for your unceasing wickedness.
dddd = Your many pet squirrels will run away because you are scaring them.
You will likely have a different response to each question. Your future will be a blend of the answers above. The specifics of this blend will be open to interpretation.
For example, bcaa might mean that you will grow more teeth and then be punished for having a nice day. It could also mean that you will chew a drowning day unceasingly.
- Purple squirrel spotted in Pennsylvania. Did it fall into a portable toilet? (csmonitor.com)
- Purple squirrel in Pa. remains a mystery (cbsnews.com)
- Did fracking turn this squirrel purple? (grist.org)
- Purple Squirrel Puzzles Pa. Couple (pittsburgh.cbslocal.com)
- Purple squirrel goes free, leaving mystery behind (msnbc.msn.com)
- ‘I Kissed a Squirrel and I Liked It’ (squirrely.wordpress.com)