That New Coffee Shop That is Everywhere Pt3

Hello again Coffeefans! I’ve been spending so much time at that new chain (what’s it called again?) that I might not be able to write about it objectively for much longer, so today, I’m writing from an old favorite place, Donkin Dünits. Their coffee is not nearly as good, so I sneak in my own precision-calibrated backpack brewer. I do still love their dünits, which remind of the coffee pilgrimage I made to Antarctica (the secret Coffeemecca)  one summer in high school. There is truly nothing like an authentic Antarctic dünit, but these are close.
Sorry for the digression, I am here today to answer reader questions and comments. These were mostly emailed to me or taken from the comment section below every post on this very Coffeefanblog:
Oh Great Coffeefidel,
You are the best coffeeblogger on all the nets. You are clearly holding back much of your vast and cofficerent coffeeknowledge and that makes me sad. Why do you not teach us how to make the best coffee, which you obviously know how to make?
-Anonymous Bob
Thanks for the kind words, Anonymous Bob. It is true that I know the secrets of making the best coffee. I have been distracted lately, but I will get around to sharing them eventually, I promise!
want to try n00 coffee shop
cant find it
is real????
I don’t know why you aren’t finding it, XR82777. There really seems to be one on every block in [city] and I know they have them in other places too. I read it on a sign in one of their shops (and the others too). I apologize for not giving you the name. I just can’t seem to remember it!
How can I become a duck?
You cannot become a duck.
Hi Coffeefidel,
I haven’t seen this new coffee chain yet, but you make it sound like a great place. What are the ceilings like? People never look up and sometimes there are some great things there.
-Ceiling Fan
That is a good suggestion, Ceiling Fan.  Will look at the ceiling next time and blog all about it! I’m thinking of going to one of their shops in another town next time, but it will probably be similar.
Hey You,
I recognize your blogging style and I know who you are! You are Horseshoehenrik from the Horseshoefanblog that hasn’t been updated since 2015. The Horseshoesphere wondered what happened to you for ages until a rumor emerged that you had been kicked in the head by too many horses and were no longer mentally fit to blog. It’s good to see that the rumor was false! Welcome back.
Good detective work, ShoeBetsy. I indeed once blogged about horseshoes as Horseshoehenrik. Head-kickings by horses were the reason I stopped doing that as that rumor suggests, but I have recovered completely and now blog again! About coffee! I think it was drinking coffee that helped me heal the most. Do not worry about my health nor my ability to perceive reality! I am well! I am Coffeefidel!
The moment we stop dripping is the moment that we start dying our teeth white in vain hopes of reversing the stain of truth
Yes, this is exactly what I have always thought on the subject.

That New Coffee Shop That is Everywhere Pt 2

March 14, 2018
Hello, Coffeefans! Welcome back to Coffeefidel’s Coffeefanblog, where I want to continue telling you about this new coffee shop chain that for some reason I can never remember the name of after I look away from the sign. They must have a really unmemorable name, but I’m happy to report they do know their coffee! The last time at the first location, I gave the barista my seven-page instruction pamphlet for making my cappuccino precisely like I do and she actually followed it! And this time, I was served by someone who made it exactly the same way! I thought she looked sort of similar too, but that must be my imagination. After all, purple eyed people are unusual so it’s easy to misremember any two as looking more like each other than they really do.
Anyway, the cappuccino was so good, I immediately decided to order eight more cups (not made all at once, of course. Cappuccino is only good for for 60 seconds at most).
It is a bit weird how all of these shops appeared so quickly. If memory serves, even Strombicks and Donkin Dünits took a few years to be (seemingly) everywhere. Not that I mind. This coffee shop is best!
The two locations I have been to so far have looked identical on the inside. They are spacious hexagonal rooms with a big fluffy green chairs and lots of incredibly flat tables. You have to see them for yourself! They are so flat! Sadly, there never seem to be enough tables for everyone who wants one. It’s funny, there are never lines outside, but the inside is always full of people. And the buildings don’t look six-sided on the outside. They must have one really talented interior decorator! I just finished my fifth fantastic cappuccino and now I’m looking at the art on the walls. It’s like nothing I have ever seen! So indescribably artistic! There are colors I didn’t know my eyes were capable of seeing! I can’t quite tell what this painting is supposed to represent, but it takes all my willpower to look away from it and write more.
On second thought, that’s enough writing for today. I’m going to finish drinking these coffees and study this art some more. Look forward to more coffeefanblog soon and never stop dripping!

That New Coffee Shop That is Everywhere Pt 1

Excerpt from
March 12, 2018
Hello, Coffeefans! I’m Coffeefidel and I started this blog for people like us who love coffee.
I have loved coffee for as long as I can remember and probably before I was born. Most kids hate the taste of coffee, but I drank a sippy cup full of the stuff (decaf of course) every morning. On my ninth birthday, my parents gave me a bag of regular coffee beans, which is still my happiest childhood memory. The other kids thought I was strange, but that was OK. Coffee was my friend and you can’t normally drink your friends, so in many ways, it was better.
As I know you know, the best cup of coffee is a cup you make yourself because you can control every aspect of the production to your own taste. The perfect cup has a different temperature, severity, viscosity, velocity, and flange for every Coffeefan and you can’t trust any Strombicks barista to follow your directions just right. Nonetheless, I like going to coffee shops. Coffee shops are where I do most of my writing and in fact I am in one right now. It’s an interesting new shop that for some reason I can’t remember the name of at the moment. It’s already a big chain with locations all over my city and probably yours (I won’t tell you where I am, but this shop is everywhere). I think I will visit a few more locations before I give them a full review on The Coffeefanblog. I may even resist the urge to bring my own coffee and test theirs. Look forward to that and remember to never stop dripping!

Elya Hambuilder’s First Hambuilding Day

Elya Hambuilder was a young person who lived in a far away village where people are named after what they do.
Elya’s family (which was just Elya and Elya’s Grandmother) built things for the other villagers out of ham and it was finally time for Elya to learn the family trade.
For two whole months, Gramba Hambuilder taught Elya everything a great Hambuilder would need to know. Then, for another two months, Elya helped Gramba Hambuilder with every job. There was one thing left to do to finish Elya’s training and it would only take one day.
“You must help all the customers today on your own. You will get better only by doing this,” said Gramba Hambuilder one morning. She then returned to her corner of the family yurt and went back to bed.
Soon after the snoring began, there was a knock.
“Can you build me a hampillow?” asked Mortence Rockwasher from down the road.
“Yes, I can help you with that!” said Elya, who simply went out to the workshop and selected the softest ham in the hambin.
Mortence put 35 glass beaks (the village’s currency) in the life-sized piggy bank by the door and went home smiling.
“That was easy!” said Elya aloud just as another villager knocked on the yurt’s door.
It was Imbus Lobcobbler. Elya loved the lobstershoes Imbus and his family made and he always got the best Hamworkmanship from Gramba and Elya. That would continue today, whatever he wanted.
“Can you build me a hamchair?” asked Imbus.
“Yes, I can help you with that!” said Elya while walking again walking to the workshop.
This time, Elya took the biggest, sturdiest, ham in the hambin and shaped it into a chair  with a carving saw.
Imbus loved it so much that he whistled as he carried his chair home (after adding 61 glass beaks to the piggy bank, of course)
Elya didn’t even have time to rest before spotting the next customer approaching the Hambuilder yurt.
It was Niatrice Stovepuncher, who asked for a hambanjo.
“Yes, I can help you with that!” said Elya as Gramba had instructed, but with some worry now.
Elya and Gramba had never liked the Stovepunchers very much.
Why punch stoves? What good does it do? Elya had stopped for a moment to think. And why would she ask me to build a hambanjo? Doesn’t she know they are one of the hardest things to make and will never sound as good as a beefbanjo anyway?
Elya knew to be professional anyway and returned to the workshop to complete the task, which took until evening.
The finished hambanjo was not perfect, but it sounded good enough that Niatricie accept it and paid the full price.
Elya was surely done for for the day and went back inside to give Gramba the good news.
But before the door was closed, Elya heard something in the distance. It was an eerie voice that sometimes broke into chuckling. It was instantly clear what it was, so Elya sighed and crossed the street to the Hambuilder’s favorite neighbor, the Mysterious Voice from the Chuckling Bog.
“I’m very tired, Mysterious Voice from the Chuckling Bog, but if you want something, I will build it.” Elya meant these words and truly wanted to be seen as a great Hambuilder in Gramba’s eyes. “What do you want?”
“I want a better world for my children and their children,” said The Voice mysteriously (it was the bog around it that chuckled).
“I cannot help you with that,” said Elya. “It is not something that can be built from ham.”
“Yes it is,” said The Voice, but Elya only heard distant chuckling.
Elya went back home and told Gramba Hambuilder about everything.
“That was good work today Elya,” she said, “You have completed your training, but I see from that last job that hambuilding is not really the job for you.”
“I will think of something else!” said Elya.
And Elya did.

Gravinold Broom, the Boy Who Was not a Duck


Gravinold Broom was nine when he decided that it was time to become a duck. Ducks, he thought, were the best, and to be one would be the best thing for Gravinold Broom.

“How can I become a duck?” He asked his teacher.
“You cannot become a duck,” they replied.
“I will ask others!” Said Gravinold, and he did.
“How can I become a duck?” He asked his mother and father individually.
“You cannot become a duck,” they each replied.
“I will ask others!” Said Gravinold, and he did.
“How can I become a duck?” He asked his nine uncles after gathering them in in the same room.
“You cannot become a duck,” they all replied in unison.
“I will ask others!” Said Gravinold, and he did.
“How can I become a duck?” He asked the Tzar.
“You cannot become a duck and you shouldn’t be asking me anyway,” said the Tzar.
“I will ask others!” Said Gravinold, and he did.
“How can I become a duck?” He asked a duck.
It said nothing and walked away.
This convinced Gravinold that he would not become a duck and would instead be sad forever.
And he was.