Elya Hambuilder’s First Hambuilding Day

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Elya Hambuilder was a young person who lived in a far away village where people are named after what they do.
Elya’s family (which was just Elya and Elya’s Grandmother) built things for the other villagers out of ham and it was finally time for Elya to learn the family trade.
For two whole months, Gramba Hambuilder taught Elya everything a great Hambuilder would need to know. Then, for another two months, Elya helped Gramba Hambuilder with every job. There was one thing left to do to finish Elya’s training and it would only take one day.
“You must help all the customers today on your own. You will get better only by doing this,” said Gramba Hambuilder one morning. She then returned to her corner of the family yurt and went back to bed.
Soon after the snoring began, there was a knock.
“Can you build me a hampillow?” asked Mortence Rockwasher from down the road.
“Yes, I can help you with that!” said Elya, who simply went out to the workshop and selected the softest ham in the hambin.
Mortence put 35 glass beaks (the village’s currency) in the life-sized piggy bank by the door and went home smiling.
“That was easy!” said Elya aloud just as another villager knocked on the yurt’s door.
It was Imbus Lobcobbler. Elya loved the lobstershoes Imbus and his family made and he always got the best Hamworkmanship from Gramba and Elya. That would continue today, whatever he wanted.
“Can you build me a hamchair?” asked Imbus.
“Yes, I can help you with that!” said Elya while walking again walking to the workshop.
This time, Elya took the biggest, sturdiest, ham in the hambin and shaped it into a chair  with a carving saw.
Imbus loved it so much that he whistled as he carried his chair home (after adding 61 glass beaks to the piggy bank, of course)
Elya didn’t even have time to rest before spotting the next customer approaching the Hambuilder yurt.
It was Niatrice Stovepuncher, who asked for a hambanjo.
“Yes, I can help you with that!” said Elya as Gramba had instructed, but with some worry now.
Elya and Gramba had never liked the Stovepunchers very much.
Why punch stoves? What good does it do? Elya had stopped for a moment to think. And why would she ask me to build a hambanjo? Doesn’t she know they are one of the hardest things to make and will never sound as good as a beefbanjo anyway?
Elya knew to be professional anyway and returned to the workshop to complete the task, which took until evening.
The finished hambanjo was not perfect, but it sounded good enough that Niatricie accept it and paid the full price.
Elya was surely done for for the day and went back inside to give Gramba the good news.
But before the door was closed, Elya heard something in the distance. It was an eerie voice that sometimes broke into chuckling. It was instantly clear what it was, so Elya sighed and crossed the street to the Hambuilder’s favorite neighbor, the Mysterious Voice from the Chuckling Bog.
“I’m very tired, Mysterious Voice from the Chuckling Bog, but if you want something, I will build it.” Elya meant these words and truly wanted to be seen as a great Hambuilder in Gramba’s eyes. “What do you want?”
“I want a better world for my children and their children,” said The Voice mysteriously (it was the bog around it that chuckled).
“I cannot help you with that,” said Elya. “It is not something that can be built from ham.”
“Yes it is,” said The Voice, but Elya only heard distant chuckling.
Elya went back home and told Gramba Hambuilder about everything.
“That was good work today Elya,” she said, “You have completed your training, but I see from that last job that hambuilding is not really the job for you.”
“I will think of something else!” said Elya.
And Elya did.

Gravinold Broom, the Boy Who Was not a Duck

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Gravinold Broom was nine when he decided that it was time to become a duck. Ducks, he thought, were the best, and to be one would be the best thing for Gravinold Broom.

“How can I become a duck?” He asked his teacher.
“You cannot become a duck,” they replied.
“I will ask others!” Said Gravinold, and he did.
“How can I become a duck?” He asked his mother and father individually.
“You cannot become a duck,” they each replied.
“I will ask others!” Said Gravinold, and he did.
“How can I become a duck?” He asked his nine uncles after gathering them in in the same room.
“You cannot become a duck,” they all replied in unison.
“I will ask others!” Said Gravinold, and he did.
“How can I become a duck?” He asked the Tzar.
“You cannot become a duck and you shouldn’t be asking me anyway,” said the Tzar.
“I will ask others!” Said Gravinold, and he did.
“How can I become a duck?” He asked a duck.
It said nothing and walked away.
This convinced Gravinold that he would not become a duck and would instead be sad forever.
And he was.

Silent Pudding

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Today, I decided that I could fix Christmas music by making it more about figgy pudding. I was almost certainly wrong about that, but I’m going to try it anyway.

 

Silent pudding, holy pudding!

All is figgy, all is else is also figgy.

Round yon Fig, Mother Pudding and Child Pudding.

Holy Pudding so tender and figgy,

Sleep in figgy peace,

Sleep in figgy peace

Silent pudding, holy pudding!

Shepherds quake at the figginess.

Puddings stream from heaven afar

Heavenly figs sing Alleluia,

Figgy Pudding the Savior is born!

Figgy Pudding the Savior is born

Silent pudding, holy pudding!

pudding of Fig love’s pure light.

Radiant puddings from Thy holy fig

With dawn of puddingous grace,

Pudding, Fig at Thy birth

Pudding, Fig at Thy birth