This isn’t writer’s block.

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Nor is it love. I don’t think, at least.

I have lots of ideas for how this story will end, but it’s taking a while to sort them and pick the ones that both make sense and I like.

I have a feeling I will end up writing multiple endings and letting readers choose their favorite. But then again, I might not.

Thanks for your your patience and continue maintaining up the excellent function while you wait.

Lack and the Potato Mine: Introduction

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Cover of "Jack and the Beanstalk" fr...

Image via Wikipedia

This unfinished story is my attempt to re-imagine the classic tale of Jack and the Beanstalk.  I don’t actually remember Jack and the Beanstalk very well, but I think I know the basic idea well enough to ‘improve’ upon it.

I will post a little bit at a time, so hopefully it will be finished by the time I’m done posting it.  We will see.

Opinion #10 of 9: The packaged food industry should create more products for meatitarians

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INJUSTICE

Veggie burgers are widely available and some of them are very good.  I ate one last night.  There are numerous other meat-free meat-like foods for anyone who wants them, and while I approve of this, I know deep down in my carnivorous heart that it’s just not fair.

Have you ever seen a tomato made of injection-molded Spam or a melon made of ground beef wrapped in leather?  I would never eat those things, but someone out there would and has the constitutional right to do so.  Meatitarians have made a hard decision by refusing to support those who would rip more living beings (and potential friends) out of the earth to feed the cruel and murderous appetites of the healthluttonous American family.  These meaty martyrs know full well that they won’t live as long as the rest, but they are willing to take a stand for what’s right.  Is it so much to ask for their local grocery store to help them achieve this goal?

Summary of The Disappointing Movie I Saw in my Dream

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Joke Knuckle is the story of a well-meaning but misguided army officer who tries to spread joy and friendship throughout the American forces in Iraq during the first Gulf War.  After a head injury deemed not serious enough for medical discharge, Joke Knuckle (real name Jerry Kerchestenek) decides that the way to make war more fun for everyone is to punch them in the face.

This turned out to be a horrible idea, especially for the movie’s audience.  There just wasn’t anything funny about JK’s actions.  Other films have used slapstick violence to great comedic effect, but here, they didn’t even try.

It was especially insulting to see JK singlehandedly win the war by punching the guns out of everyone’s hands.  Not only is this historically inaccurate, but even if it had been attempted, it wouldn’t have worked.  Sneaking up on one armed combattant is hard enough without have to worry about doing the same to 300,000 more right after.  Also, guns are made of materials much more solid than human hands and JK’s knuckles would be in too much pain to continue after one or two fistidissarmings.

In summary, this film does not actually exist for a very good reason.  It is far too stupid an idea to have been produced anywhere but my subconscious mind.

The Worst Campfire Song

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(banjo or ukelele recommended, but optional)
If I had a dishwasher
I would wash dishes with it
and those dishes would be washed
if i had a dishwasherwasher
I would wash dishwashers with it
and those dishwashers would be washed
[repeat until bored, adding 1 “washer” where appropriate with each repetition]