Now that we have established the lack of wonderment and amazingness to be found in a Twinkie, I feel the need to find something better. Since I suspect that most existing foods already exist, I think I should make new foods. I will not actually prepare and serve them, since that would take away their essential mysteriosity. I will just name them and allow you, the reader, to do what you will. If what you will includes cooking them, tell me how it went and how it tasted.
Macadamia Mortuary Surprise
“Yes Elodie, I shall eat all the pudding,” Rika bellowed in a voice that came from everywhere at once, “Then all the pudding shall eat me. We will be one and we shall rule this planet with our deliciousness. What reason would I have for helping you? Humans have done nothing for me. Chtorgvinektonug was cute and fluffy and has now offered me a lifetime of pudding and a position in his New Earth government as Grand High Wurglefeist in exchange for my help in destroying all that is. Not much of a choice, eh?”
“You can’t do that!” said Elodie, “also, what is a Grand High Wurglefeist?”
“Not sure,” replied everything/Rika, “but it’s grand and high, so it must be important, right? We’ll make the awesomest evil dictatorship ever!”
Elodie thought about this while Rika (who was now approximately barn-sized and bucket-shaped) scooped up and devoured a handful of Cosbywolves.
“Aren’t those your allies? Why do you eat them?” asked Elodie.
“mostly because I want to. They taste like pudding!”
“You’ve become a monster!”
“Hmm. I guess I have. I should go and flatten Tokyo. It’s what we monsters do, eh?”
And she schlompfed into the distance, due west. Somehow, her steps appeared and sounded laborious and heavy, and yet she was moving at roughly the speed of a tsunami with a full tank of gas and freshly painted red stripes.
- Iconic Tsukiji fish market to close in 2013 for new redesign (japandailypress.com)
- Tokyo Akihabara’s Karaoke Lounge Pasela Offers Delicious Pudding in a Cute Take-Home Pot (en.rocketnews24.com)
- The Worst Single Day (darkmattersalot.com)