Hypothetical Cuisine


Now that we have established the lack of wonderment and amazingness to be found in a Twinkie, I feel the need to find something better. Since I suspect that most existing foods already exist, I think I should make new foods. I will not actually prepare and serve them, since that would take away their essential mysteriosity. I will just name them and allow you, the reader, to do what you will. If what you will includes cooking them, tell me how it went and how it tasted.


Macadamia Mortuary Surprise

Fire-roasted Lemonade

Lemon/Lime/Lagomorph Loaf

Asparagus-chip cookies





Gluten-free Borff


Opinion #10 of 9: The packaged food industry should create more products for meatitarians



Veggie burgers are widely available and some of them are very good.  I ate one last night.  There are numerous other meat-free meat-like foods for anyone who wants them, and while I approve of this, I know deep down in my carnivorous heart that it’s just not fair.

Have you ever seen a tomato made of injection-molded Spam or a melon made of ground beef wrapped in leather?  I would never eat those things, but someone out there would and has the constitutional right to do so.  Meatitarians have made a hard decision by refusing to support those who would rip more living beings (and potential friends) out of the earth to feed the cruel and murderous appetites of the healthluttonous American family.  These meaty martyrs know full well that they won’t live as long as the rest, but they are willing to take a stand for what’s right.  Is it so much to ask for their local grocery store to help them achieve this goal?