Silent Pudding

Standard

Today, I decided that I could fix Christmas music by making it more about figgy pudding. I was almost certainly wrong about that, but I’m going to try it anyway.

 

Silent pudding, holy pudding!

All is figgy, all is else is also figgy.

Round yon Fig, Mother Pudding and Child Pudding.

Holy Pudding so tender and figgy,

Sleep in figgy peace,

Sleep in figgy peace

Silent pudding, holy pudding!

Shepherds quake at the figginess.

Puddings stream from heaven afar

Heavenly figs sing Alleluia,

Figgy Pudding the Savior is born!

Figgy Pudding the Savior is born

Silent pudding, holy pudding!

pudding of Fig love’s pure light.

Radiant puddings from Thy holy fig

With dawn of puddingous grace,

Pudding, Fig at Thy birth

Pudding, Fig at Thy birth

Advertisements

I knew it!

Standard
2009-03-05 Wait Wait ... Don't Tell Me! 3

2009-03-05 Wait Wait … Don’t Tell Me! 3 (Photo credit: JanetandPhil)

I just learned from this weeks episode of Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me that “child of pudding” is a common insult in Turkey. In Turkish, it is “muhallebi çocu u” and to me, it is proof that squishy desserts and their offspring are not to be trusted.

 

The Chain Letter of Doom: Part Last

Standard
Riverbottom weekend

Riverbottom weekend (Photo credit: davef3138)

The trouble now was that the entrance to the Original Loblaws was still hidden and she was unaware that it was directly under her. She also didn’t know which way was down or up. If she had brushed away a little dirt from the river bottom, the world would have been saved.

 

Unfortunately, good ideas like that are most often thought by brains owned by people who are good at breathing oxygen. At this moment, Elodie had only water available, of which breathing is a bad idea in itself. She tried to breathe it and the world was not saved.

Instead, it became completely overwhelmed by delicious pudding and every living soul died a delicious death. Even Rika, who probably would have wanted it that way.

The wise leprechauns of Leprechonia tried to slow the sticky and sweet doom, but only a hero or heroin in qualified to combine the ingredients of Anti-Pudding and leprechauns can only be supporting characters. Knowing, at last, that there was nothing more to be done, they followed a rainbow to the Moon, where they still live today.

And so, the story ends with this lesson: Do not ever follow the instructions given by a chain letter.

The Chain Letter of Doom: Part Something Else: The end of the middle of the end

Standard

With one threat out of the way for the moment, Elodie returned her attention to the puppulent horror above her friends and below all standards of good doggy behavior.

Chtorgvinektonug had slowed his rapid pudding consumption and appeared to be a bit stunned if not in horrible pain. Perhaps Rika’s wolfsnack had not been authorized after all. Was that it?

No time to think, Elodie. Go back to saving the world. Yes. Rika was not our last hope, I am!

Maybe I should stop talking to myself without quotation marks and do something about this.

The beast continued whimpering as only a wildebeest/squid/bus/badger/hurricane can whimper, but also looked angrier and more determined than before. Soon, he would eat more pudding and the world be no more.

Professor Philippe, what should I do!

She did not expect an answer, but she got one anyway in the form of the wise old leprechaun himself. He then spoke:

“There is still hope, Elodie! I see that you cannot out-eat Chtorgvinektonug, but there is another way to defeat him.”

“Another way?!”

“Another way.”

“What is this other way?”

“You cannot consume this evil pudding, but it can still be neutralized with Anti-Pudding!”

“Where do I find Anti-Pudding? Also, why is it capitalized?”

“It isn’t capitalized, you just see it that way because it’s important. And you have to make it yourself.”

“How?

“You must use the ancient and sacred Leprechonian recipe that I’m about to give you.”

“Hurry up and tell me then! Chtorgvinektonug will be back at full eating power soon.”

“Patience, I’m getting to it. I know it as a rhyme to help me remember:

a large swathe of nog

four handfuls of fog

and nine blintzes from a bog.

Mix inside a log

thus spake the Great Blog”

“I don’t have any of those things! Also, what is the Great Blog?”

“You ask too many irrelevant questions. And you can find all those ingredients at your local Loblaws.”

Loblaw

Loblaw (Photo credit: taestell)

The Chain Letter of Doom: The Middle of the End: Part 1

Standard

“Yes Elodie, I shall eat all the pudding,” Rika bellowed in a voice that came from everywhere at once, “Then all the pudding shall eat me. We will be one and we shall rule this planet with our deliciousness. What reason would I have for helping you? Humans have done nothing for me. Chtorgvinektonug was cute and fluffy and has now offered me a lifetime of pudding and a position in his New Earth government as Grand High Wurglefeist in exchange for my help in destroying all that is. Not much of a choice, eh?”

“You can’t do that!” said Elodie, “also, what is a Grand High Wurglefeist?”

“Not sure,” replied everything/Rika, “but it’s grand and high, so it must be important, right? We’ll make the awesomest evil dictatorship ever!”

Elodie thought about this while Rika (who was now approximately barn-sized and bucket-shaped) scooped up and devoured a handful of Cosbywolves.

“Aren’t those your allies? Why do you eat them?” asked Elodie.

“mostly because I want to. They taste like pudding!”

“You’ve become a monster!”

“Hmm. I guess I have. I should go and flatten Tokyo. It’s what we monsters do, eh?”

Bread Pudding 1

Bread Pudding 1 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

And she schlompfed into the distance, due west. Somehow, her steps appeared and sounded laborious and heavy, and yet she was moving at roughly the speed of a tsunami with a full tank of gas and freshly painted red stripes.

The Chain Letter of Doom: Part Something: The Beginning of the End

Standard
giga pudding (front)

giga pudding (front) (Photo credit: manthatcooks)

Her laughter and terror now kicked away, Elodie remembered an important fact. The most legendary pudding-connoisseur of all Canada was buried, but alive in a hole two meters behind her. If any mortal was qualified perform this ghastly task, it was Rika. But was someone with such an affinity to an evil substance as pudding trustworthy? There was no time to ponder this.

Elodie, in her newfound alertness, leapt backwards through the air, flipping three times and dropping the Leprechonian spoon into Rika’s pit as she passed over it.

As it happened, this astounding feat of acrobatics was completely unnecessary. Rika was so thoroughly attuned to the True Spirit of Pudding that she had already begun to take it into herself it without a utensil of any kind. She had been in a trance of Chtorgvinektonug worship, like all the others, but despite her lack of consciousness and her mouth being occupied by mindless chanting, the surrounding toffenous muck of her pit had begun to become part of her. She had grown, not as a fat person grows, but in a way more resembling a tree, in all directions. Also like a growing tree, the pudding had made her body harder and stronger. Elodie estimated that Rika would soon be as large and pudding-powerful as her former pet and current idol.

“You are our last hope, Rika! You must eat all the pudding and defeat the evil ex-puppy!” she shouted louder than she probably needed to. If only it was that simple.

The Chain letter of Doom: Part Ten: No Chapter Title

Standard

Just as she feared, the peacefully slumbering hell-beast jerked into alertness as soon as the utensil touched the sticky, sweet, pool of madness. It was as if Chtorgvinektonug and the pudding were telepathically linked, which in fact, they were.

Next, a low growl filled the air from all directions. Elodie choked with terror as she realized she was already surrounded by a pack of fourteen disgruntled wolves, each with the face of Bill Cosby*. They snarled and snapped and told funny jokes that distracted the heroine of rainbows and justice from her Sisyphean, but necessary task. Not that it would make much difference. She, and by extension, we, were already doomed.

Bill Cosby

shapeshifting wolf-demon (Photo credit: fuzzcat)

But then instinct kicked in and it kicked hard.

 

 

*The comedian and spokesman for the unknowable forces of doom was secretly one of a species of shape-shifting wolf-demon who was  to born solely to popularize pudding in North America in preparation for this ceremony. Elodie misrecognized the faces as his because she had only seen one of them before and because she is racist against shapeshifting wolf-demons.