The Tomatoey Sphere

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The Tomatoey Sphere will only appear

to those who fear tomatoes

it’s red and it floats and it’s mostly clear

and it wishes the salad was you

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Stanislaw’s Burglarium: Introduction

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Hi, my name is Phedrec Lanchmallow and I am a burglar.

Isn’t that illegal, you ask? No, of course not.

It used to be, but now you just need a license.

I work for Stanislaw, the gentleman who opened the first burglarium in Boston after it was legalized. It doubles as a salad bar, which is what I do most of the time.

Do what? Make salads, of course. It is an unappreciated art form in our culture, taking years of grueling training to become good at it. Incidentally, I’m also skilled at making gruel, which I sell as a side-dish to the salads. Where was I?

Right, burglary. Saladsmanship may not get the respect it should, but legal burglary is misunderstood to the point where most people don’t know it exists. I intend to use this opportunity to enlighten and maybe even entertain this audience with a recollection of one my more memorable jobs.

If after hearing this tale, you wish to hire me for a burglary, salad, or dish of gruel, I will be back at the Burglarium. It’s just down the street from here, on the left.

Rice gruel

Rice gruel (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

CfPUiSL: Tales of the Last Axe Swallower

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You know the feeling you get when you jump off the seventh floor of speeding train and land on a soft pile of freshly carved pastrami, suffering only minor internal wounds and find a lucky penny after regaining consciousness? I’m sure you do.

Axe-swallowing is sort of like that.

Way back when, before the Ambulance Wars and the Great Flattening, we axe-swallowers were popular entertainers. You could find us at any lobcobblery, shelack-shack, or roadside salad bar in the country.

But those days are long past and dwelling on them swallows nothing. The axe you swallowed yesterday means nothing next to the axe you will swallow tomorrow. And in this day and age, tomorrows axe will be celebrated by few.

We do it now, not for fame, money, or even free lunch (though sometimes there still is that). No, we axe-swallowers just like swallowing axes.

Unlike sword swallowing (which is sadly still popular in some parts), we can legally chew the axes before swallowing. This sounds like it would make it easy, but acquiring strong enough teeth for it takes years of training. It is also balanced by the rule that the axe, once swallowed, may not be unswallowed. See if a sword-swallower can do that!

And now, my friends, sit still and I will tell you about my life.

[This, like other CfPUiSLs, may or may not eventually turn into a larger story.]

As part of the celebrations for the first day ...